There’s no such thing as (fill in blank) anymore and it’s a rare treat when you actually get it.
(try it – it’s hours of endless fun for the whole family)

You could end up worm food underground or pecked over bird food depending on the corpse disposal method.

In the past 71 years, world population has increased by 5.2 billion.

Who’s having all this sex?

Asia is the world leader and whoever’s in second place isn’t even close.

It’s rumored that Antarctica was only narrowly squeezed into last place by North America, after a last minute surge coinciding with the availability of cheap online Viagra.

North America is the plain girl at the school dance of continents.

Self-awareness is the first important step towards the realization that others are so wrong...and so often.

Don’t believe what others say about you. They are probably right but don’t believe them anyways.

There are others who would disagree with them. They’re the ones you should believe.

Positivity and Negativity both rely on the same thing - hope. What hope is expected to accomplish is where they differ. Hope things will get better; hope things don’t get worse.

If I could control an outcome with positivity, I would have won the lottery long ago.

I’m not sure who first decided that the period of time that must expire before one may celebrate the day of one’s birth, but this “it’s a year” thing has really taken root.

Half-Anniversary just sounds half-assed, frankly, so let’s table the discussion on 6 months being the accepted yardstick for now.

I wouldn’t go for monthly because your birth date does include a monthly component and just as one must “be true to your school”, one owes a certain level of fealty to one’s birth month. Let’s eliminate it as a possibility as we whittle them down.

Weekly? Yeah, sure – that’s what weekends are for. I feel we’re very close to finding the ideal here if we just keep looking.

Daily celebration certainly seems appealing, especially if it involves a requirement of gift-giving where others are concerned.

In addition to me, who would this be a benefit to?

• Greeting card companies.
• Chuck E. Cheese franchisees.
• Any establishment with a valid liquor license.

As you can see, the possibilities for a swift economic recovery following a world market-wrecking pandemic are robust.

And you will never, ever have to remember anyone’s actual birthday any more because everyday will be their birthday.

“Don’t forget or you’ll beget.” (Appeals to the Bible Belt young teens)

“Use a sleeve or you’ll breed - believe.” (Appeals to Bieber lovers)

Target groups are likely to pop out babies like tictacs. Move on.

“A bender can lead to engender.” (Appeals to the erudite sophisticate)

Right on target. But it’s too niche market. And do these people actually have sex or just talk about it?

Alzheimer’s is a progressive disease that systematically destroys all areas of the brain.

The last memories are stored deep in the brain’s memory banks with super fast synapse connections because there is a strong emotional element attached.

Every fear, love, trauma you’ve ever experienced.

It’s the last to go in advanced Alzheimer’s.

I’m guessing the Catholic Church figured this out years ago. Pushing a message of love backed up with fear and trauma.

I’m also at risk for Irish Alzheimer’s. You forget everything but the grudges.

Darth Vapor

Do the benefits outweigh the deficits?

This is “Hamlet” performed by an entire cast of CPAs.

More and more it's become apparent to me that "all I ever needed to know I learned in the 60s". Put that on the front of a t-shirt. And on the back put "Now I'm in my 60s" and a Dead Head sticker.

Recently, I’ve had a lot of time to ponder my mortality and I’m come up with this theory as to why I’m still alive.

St. Peter comes to Jesus and says, “It’s Chilco again. He’s asking that you cure him.”

To which Jesus replies, “Fuck! Again?!”

St. Peter says, “I’ll get a message to him. We can get the Holy Ghost to appear to him or some shit like that. Don’t worry. I’ll handle it. A soft “no”.” And he goes to leave.

Jesus says, “No…no, no no…wait a minute. I’ve checked the records. That little shit has enough in his Karma account to bypass Purgatory. If I let him die, he’ll be up here with me and he is a fucking pain in the ass. Always thinks he knows best. No, that ain’t gonna happen. We’ve already got his old man up here and he’s no different. Tell him “ok”.

And St. Peter gives Jesus the two thumbs up and taps the side of his head, and says, “That’s why you’re Jesus. Always thinking of every angle.”

Jesus replies, “What can I say? It’s what I do.”

After St. Peter exits, Jesus wipes His brow and says to Himself, “Dodged a bullet there.”

Exercise is like gift giving. It’s the thought that counts.

Even if you never go more than once, just having that gym membership and being able to honestly say “I belong to a gym” even though you don’t actually go to it, is enough.

Does it really matter if you pay to not exercise and that results in death? No, because you’re going out fat and destitute.

Deep Purple played the St. Lawrence market annex building on July 2, 1971, as part of the North American Leg 2 “In Rock” tour. And I was there.

Why women love to dance…and why men like to watch them do it.

We use dance to communicate the quality of our genes to potential mates. Women prefer the dancing of men with high testosterone and those men dance with greater upper body movements and twisting movements of the right knee.

Elvis fans take note.

At the more fertile stage of their cycle, women move their hips more when they are dancing. So, the more time men spend looking at a woman's hips, the more attractive they find her!

And you thought we were just staring at your crotch.

George Bernard Shaw said, “Dancing is the vertical expression of a horizontal desire legalized by music."

The Baptist’s were so right!

Have you seen “Footloose”?

Kevin Bacon can still dance like that. I’ve seen him do it on national television.

The Walt Disney Company has produced an Advance Directive document signed by Snow White aka Princess Snow White, and notarized by Grouchy the Dwarf, who is also a public notary, that states:

“In the event I am in a sleeping state for longer than 24 hours and a Prince shows up and wishes to kiss me, I hereby grant my permission.”

All 7 Dwarfs have witnessed the signature.

This proves once and for all that having a robust record retention program in place can be an invaluable business asset.

I wasn’t sure at first but then it became quite clear - my parents had kids because slavery was illegal.

The first sure sign of Spring’s arrival is men in shorts and t-shirts raking their lawns.

Anything above freezing qualifies as one of those days in Toronto by April.

Dress for the weather you want.

If reality won’t change, then just ignore it.

I was only turning 9 and even at that young age the coach recognized my true potential.

I sat on the bench all season watching Charlie Durning pound it outa the park and into the parking lot.

But who’s got a Championship pennant, just the same?

Sometimes it works out just fine sitting back and letting someone else carry the load.

Who knows what the meaning of Life is? I’ve often asked Jesus, and most recently, because of my incessant nagging, Jesus finally told me. He said, “be nice to each other.”

I said “What?! That’s it?!”. And Jesus replied, “Well, I wanted to keep it simple so maybe most people would figure it out.”

I said, “Oh, no. This is going to be the ‘Game of Thrones’ finale all over again. Nobody’s going to be happy when they find out about this.”

It occurred to me that if you’re about to die, time is of the essence and brevity is appreciated. Most of us should be able to get the following out in time and with sufficient sincerity to meet the requirements.

"Yo, Jesus! My bad. Peace. Out."

Don't!

Cautionary Tale #2,458

So, I’m at the Pearly Gates and St Peter is on my 500th sin - and so far, I’ve beaten the rap on the previous 499 but then they bring up that I failed to capitalize pronouns in reference to Jesus in all instances - and that’s what they get me on.

I get 2 to 5 in Purgatory.

Some kid says 6 Our Fathers, 6 Hail Marys, and 6 Glory Be’s on All Souls Day, and I’m out. Buda-bing! Did less than 6 months.

Lesson learned.

When participating in recreational activities, it’s important to follow certain guidelines for health and safety.

Have fun - but stay out of these:

1. a) the hospital,
2. b) jail,
3. c) the morgue.

Plan accordingly.

Is something lost when technical wizardry overtakes human ingenuity to make everything too real in a fantasy film? It’s a dream. Shouldn’t it have a dream-like quality of reality? Not perfect but believable.

Self-esteem - lovemaking that won’t get you pregnant.

That people who want to have a kid sometimes can’t and that people who shouldn’t have a kid always do.

When you’re born, Life takes you by the hand, beckoning, “Come with me.” So you follow Life where it takes you. Finally, Life slows and points to a figure waiting. It’s Death. WTF? Then you realize, Life was in cahoots with Death all along. Don’t you feel foolish?

Life’s out to get me. It wants to erase me. Fill my vacant hole with some other soul.

Life’s for the living and each day I find a way but one day…just not today.

Last night I was at Death’s door. I knocked but no one was home. So, I left a note. Seemed only polite.

Everybody talks about gravity but nobody does anything about it.

Sometimes profundity is a calamity.

It’s all leading up to something…something that can only be redeemed with fire!

I’m carrying toxic waste on my train of thought.

In Oklahoma, it’s illegal to give liquor to a fish…and they will ask!

Death shall henceforth be referred to as “Life 2.0”.

It’s very easy to do if you don’t mind doing it badly.

I’ve learned certain things in my long journey through life, and one is that there are things you can plan for but you have no control over them. I’m sure you’re familiar with these words:
“God give me the serenity to accept the things I can’t change…and a gun for all the rest.”
I think I’ve got that quote correct.

I consider everyone in the world my family. I’m not talking to my family right now.

Anything you did I knew about. It’s your choices that surprised me.

All the gold that’s deposited in our planet was formed during the explosions of stars and collisions of asteroids, and eventually found its way to Earth over time. There could be a planet out there made of solid gold.

I never feel so alive as I do when slowly killing myself.

Can a zombie detect an alien in human form by smelling they have no human brains to eat?

Desperation is the illegitimate Mother of Invention.

I watched as my whole musical life passed before my eyes. It was a short piece.

The biggest problem with Heaven and Hell is, regardless of where you end up, there’s no opportunity for advancement or promotion.

As a designated “old fart” in today’s society, no one asks for my opinion, I simply provide it.

At some specific time along the way, the Y chromosome gradually lost the ability to recombine or exchange genetic information with the X chromosome and began to evolve independently. This marks the inception of the first Sports season.

What happens in the Afterlife when it doesn’t stay there?

As a kid, I was told the deceased was “sleeping”, and I accepted that. I should’ve questioned why they chose to sleep in a box in their good clothes when a bed and pajamas would seem much more comfortable.

Billions of bacteria and viruses have existed since the Big Bang, when the Universe sneezed all over us.

I married young. We were 10. We had the reception at McDonald’s - went to Disneyland for our honeymoon. It was our first sleepover. I’ll never forget it.